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Bonds Testimony Top Quotes (And Bill Gates?!)

March 3rd, 2008 by Melvin

Yeah, I’m tired of hearing about it too. That said, here’s more Barry Bonds crap!

Barry’s testimony transcript has been unsealed and available for perusal, provided by The Smoking Gun (pdf download here). The document is about 150 pages, but reads quick. The following are the quotes I found most informative or hilarious. Plus Bill Gates. What?

Barry Bonds photo by Ben Lei

Here’s Barry’s patented attitude, directed in this case towards the US attorneys. In front of a grand jury. How appropriate:

Q:If you don’t understand a question that I put to you, either because I ask it badly, which does happen … Do you understand I would ask you to ask me to clarify it rather than try to answer or guess at it.

A: Yes, you are confusing. I’m telling you. Is he confusing to you guys? I’m glad it’s not just me. (Page 6)

“Wait what? I can’t be expected to go out of my way and question things, especially regarding my body as a professional athlete. In fact, I make a personal rule of accepting every proposition offered to me, unequivocally.”

The previous paragraph may not be verbatim, but the following two quotes however, are:

And Greg [Anderson] came to the ballpark and he said, you know: ‘This will help you recover,’ and he rubbed some cream on my arm, like, some lotion-type stuff, and , like, gave me some flax seed oil, that’s what he called it, called it some flax seed oil man. It’s like: ‘Whatever dude.’ (Page 25)

Q. So, your basis for telling people: ‘I’m negative’ is Greg telling you you’re negative; correct?

A. Basically Greg. I didn’t see the papers. (Page 95)

Did he really just swear to this under oath? Can he be this sure? Never ever seen anything?:

I’ve never seen anything Greg [Anderson] has ever written down on a piece of paper. (Page 59)

Bill Gates baby. He’s in here. Ole Melvy wouldn’t lie to you.. Your guess is as good as mine what on earth Barry is talking about:

It’s kind of like one hand shakes the other, you know? You got to understand about sports or just anybody successful, Bill Gates, anyone you want to talk about. If I took eight Advils before a game, you know, a player is going to take eight Advils and think that it’s the thing to do. (Page 51)

Padres’ old pals Eric Young and Benito Santiago haven’t impressed Barry:

Q: How many players besides Mr. Sheffield did you refer to Greg Anderson?

A. I don’t refer anyone to Greg Anderson. They want to train with me, and Greg Anderson happens to be one of my trainers.

Q. Ok. How —

A. Eric Young was one. He lasted about two weeks and went home. (Page 62)

Q. What about Benito Santiago?

A. No way. There’s no way. Benito ain’t training that hard. (Page 63)

Defending the use of cash payments, check this bastion of logic. I guess it’s fair enough, but not really:

Q. That’s a lot of cash to have on hand at any given time, $15,000? I mean —

A. I make 17 million.

Q. Understood. But still, having that much on hand, I’m not necessarily trying to — it’s still a lot of cash …, is it not?

A. It’s a lot of cash to have on hand. That’s why I get it out of my hands, get it into somebody else’s hands and let him worry about it.

Q. All right, fair enough. (Page 75)

He actually did a good job responding to the Grand Juror questions, save this one. Earlier in the testimony, Bonds detailed gifts he made of upwards of $20,000 to his entourage of friends and employees. This quote isn’t even about weather or not these payments were appropriate though. That would be a normal topic.  It’s the hilarity that makes this response worth nothing:

Grand Juror: With all the money you make, have you ever thought of maybe building him [Anderson] a mansion or something?

A. One, I’m black. And I’m keeping my money. And there’s not too many rich black people in this world. And I’m keeping my money. There’s more wealthy Asian people and Caucasian and white. There ain’t that many rich black people. And I ain’t giving my money up. That’s why.And if my friends can help me, than I’ll use my friends. (Page 146)

So, my thoughts on steroids. I’m pissed, but not just at him. It was the culture around baseball that allowed steroids to proliferate the game.

73 home runs at age 36? You didn’t need a sprinkling of the dude’s urine to know what was going on there. The media, the fans, the commissioner’s office, the owners, and the players are all responsible for the values we chose to uphold during steroids era.

It’s not just testing that will fix the problem. Honesty with ourselves, a more responsible media (we’ll see about that), and a bit of skepticism can go a long way. The good news is, that cat is out of the bag. I think we’re on the right track. But I’m also tired of talking about it. Does that spell bad news?

Posted in controversy, players, the funny | 1 Comment »

One Response to “Bonds Testimony Top Quotes (And Bill Gates?!)”

  1. Ray Lankford says:

    This makes me want the Padres to sign him.

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