This is all.

Melvin Update: Turns out it’s not all

Honest to goodness this is purely coincidental, as I originally posted this photo for the sole reason that it gave me a curious case of the giggles. Turns out Cesar Carrillo (yes, the man in the photo, and the Padres 2005 first round draft choice) pitched an outstanding game last night in San Antonio. One run, 8 innings, 4 strikeouts on a single walk.

Sullivan is foaming at the mouth. An entire year to write articles filled to the brim with absolutely nothing.

In order to cement our image of popularity in the eyes of the Dragonball Z fan club, where the hip urban youth hang out, naturally, we are excited to announce The Sacrifice Bunt Theme Song. It will now play automatically every time our site is loaded.

Don’t worry, we’re well aware autoplaying music never gets old.

Warning, there is swearing. Yes, we also wish swearing was illegal.

Smack by Zion I and The Grouch.

We make pesos
Plus we do want we want
Rather swing for the fence than go for the bunt

Protip: Listen for references of blogging and free agency as well.

P.S. Who in San Diego isn’t depressed after that Chargers loss to Baltimore? This photo of LaDanian is the only good thing to come out of it.

I do find it appropriate that you’re reading this post on a Padres website, and it is my favorite baseball article of all time, and only about 1/3 of the article actually relates to the Cubs, or baseball for that matter. No matter. Without further adieu, since there’s obviously no other news to talk about relating to the possible trade of a star player, or any type of important series happening right now, I submit to you “Did Steve Bartman Cost the Cubs the Series?” by Jay Pinkerton. I should warn you though, the article is juvenile, not safe for work (there’s swearing but no pictures), and very unfunny.

Here’s the requisite excerpt:

Let Bartman go. The Cubs not winning the World Series is hardly cause for alarm — they’ve been doing it successfully for decades without any help. The fact that someone in the audience decided to pitch in this year just means it was one less mistake for the Cubs themselves to make.

My entry: Extra support for the troops!

The Good

He brought up OPS.  He called its O-P-S.  Do people do that?  In my head it’s always been “Awps”.  Either way, Ops isn’t perfect but it’s a step in the right direction for Channel 4. And it wasn’t the first time Quis used the decent compared to most metrics they use on TV.  Cheers to him.

The Funny

Grant: See those seven X’s?  That’s the size shirt I wear. XXXXXXL.*

Quis: And the kind of movies you buy.**

This was followed by a long, awkward pause, presumably Quis getting yelled at for saying something so outrageously inappropriate on air.

The Quis

He’s kinda spazzy, and not as flashy as Vasgersian, but he comes across like he actually does research.  I like Steve, though I think I’m the only one.

* Paraphrased

** Definitely not paraphrased, but hiliariousiphrased.

Opportunity cost is of course is the value of time doing one thing (say watching a baseball game) that is forgone in order to do something else (say stand in line at concession stands, or point out dudes in jeans shorts [or both!]).

Now suppose the dollar value of a college educated blogger’s time is worth roughly $30 an hour.  I submit for your review an opportunity cost computation of the Padres dollar days promotion from Friday, July 11th, 2008.

• $0 – They ran out of soda, but provided free Raspberry Iced tea.  Though I wouldn’t bank on that, I’m a sweet talker.
• $3 – Three hot dogs, limit four items per blogger.
• $15 – Opportunity cost of waiting in line for 30 minutes.

Total expenses: $18

The final three home games for the promotion are Monday the 28th though Wednesday.  Concessions lines move much slower than usual.  Don’t believe everything you read.

EDIT: Crap, I’m really nervous.  It sounds like something was said before we arrived about not reporting the contents of Paul’s speech.

On one hand, I don’t particularly understand this since the event was announced to the public and anyone who wanted could buy a ticket.  On the other hand, this isn’t a press conference.  Paul would enjoy way less freedom to speak freely and honestly if he knew the entire interwebtubes were disseminating his every word.

I for one appreciate when a public figure has the desire and opportunity to speak openly.  Because of this, the report may disappear soon.

Of course it has to happen for our one opportunity to pretend to be a real media outlet.

Baseball Prospectus hosted a fun little evening at PETCO on Friday, beach towel night.  It featured a talk with San Diego Padres special assistant for baseball operations Paul DePodesta.  Paul is famous as a central character in Michael Lewis’ renowned book “Moneyball”, in my opinion the Most Influencial Sports Book of all Time™.  Paul is also the former GM of the Dodgers, run out of town by the myopic LA media, who (surprise!) aren’t as smart as they think they are.

The Sacrifice Bunt flagged him down after the event (may or may not involving a scared, girlish scream of “ahhh Paul!!” as he walked away) for a quick chat and photo.  During the chat and speech, Paul came across as down to earth, pleasant, and spoke with the care and accuracy one would expect from a Harvard graduate.

Ray commented that Paul’s demeanor seemed opposite of Sandy Alderson’s guarded, defensive, and some might say arrogant attitude during appearances with Billy and Daren on the radio.  I responded that if knuckleheads did no research and attacked me under the guise of balanced “journalism”, I’d probably act the same way Alderson does.

Snip

If we weren’t already doing it this way, is this the way we would start?

Today is July 6th, meaning that I’ve just started readjusting to meals not of the 12 oz. long-necked variety. So, forgive me if it took a while to adjust to the fact that the past three days worth of baseball wasn’t some strange patchwork of asinine MLB-orchestrated celebrations weaved into a nightmarish weekend of bad fashion decisions…this shit actually happened.

I first noticed the orchestration of this league-wide travesty during the Wednesday highlights for the middle game of the Giants vs. Cubs series. Upon first glance, I noted that my television might be a bit out of focus – “Are those really navy blue hats the Giants are wearing?” I pondered. In retrospect, I might have believed the drinks I consumed to mourn yet another Padres’ loss were the culprit, but make no mistake. While the Cubs hid this secret a bit better, the Giants’ hats were just completely out of whack. I didn’t think much about this, maybe it was just a one-off thing. Therefore, out of sight out of mind and I went to bed none the wiser. Then, without warning, I wake up on Friday morning and this happened…

It’s Captain America’s wet dream. Keep in mind, this isn’t even Varitek’s first venture into bad baseball fashion decisions this season, but it’s definitely the flashiest (although, you could argue that his Memorial Day garb was a bit worse). At first I believed this was merely an attempt for Varitek to draw attention away from his recent 12-for-100 slide at the plate, but at least this went to a good cause. Varitek, like last season, would auction this off with Children’s Hospital Boston. More importantly, however, this signified the beginning of a holiday weekend that would promote my least favorite baseball tradition: league-wide uniform trends.

Granted this didn’t necessarily creep up on people. Fred Wilpon, owner of the New York Mets, announced he was working on this with his “Welcome Back Veterans” program (complete w/Tom Hanks!) a while back and stated his desire to raise $100m from this particular endeavor. Worthy cause, and slapping a few logos on the bases and enduring three days worth of crappy hat designs isn’t the end of the world…but, c’mon. Is it not enough that we, as Padres fans, have to endure the occasional blue-on-sand uniform ensemble? What about the fact that our team’s uniform bears a striking resemblance to nearly a half dozen other teams (namely, this one)?

What’s worse, is we were given a firsthand example of how camouflage uniforms are supposed to look (Green hats? GREEN HATS!?!?!). Granted, the Reds’ attempt was a sad display (and, to spite us all, they wore them Saturday and Sunday), but the frickin’ South Sidin’ Pale Hosers got it right on the first try, guys. It might be a disgusting sight to behold bordering on uniform copyright infringement to the umpteenth degree, but they damned sure got it right. Just look at them:

Brown hat, matching pants…it’s beautiful. And I’ll be damned if Nick Swisher didn’t make it look even better. For being Major League Baseball’s self-proclaimed official Team of the Military, the Padres could at least take a style tip from these Chicagoans and present the camo uni to perfection.

But that’s not even the strangest thing that happened this weekend. While the Reds and White Sox busted out the Army fatigues and the majority of Major League Baseball busted out the Stars & Stripes, Fourth of July cap collection (which you can find and buy here), there were two occurrences this weekend that, I thought, put the icing on the crap cake that was this weekend’s baseball fashion:

1) Northern Shenanigans

The Blue Jays addressed the most pressing question of the week in stride: if the Stars & Stripes caps are specifically released to coincide with America’s independence, what’s a Canuck to do? In response, the Jays donned the best of the bunch, the l’Unifolié cap – a maple leafed sensation:

Forget for a second that it completely contrasts the entire aquamarine theme they’ve got going on…that puppy is visible from space. Awesome. And despite the fact that I watched a lifetime’s worth of History Channel programs on American independence this weekend, and my history degree reminds me that the French actually helped during the American Revolution (it did come in handy!), I’d like to believe that the reason I like this so much is because it’s throwing a giant middle finger to the entire spirit of the uniformity of these uniforms. It’s almost as ironic as seeing the Cleveland Indians sporting their logo in a star-spangled red, white, and blue. That should go along perfectly with smallpox blanket night.

2) Compound the Crazies

On Saturday, the Milwaukee Brewers and Pittsburgh Pirates did their best to throw this whole thing into flux and put on their best retro gear. No, these weren’t the Brewers’ Friday night specials they’ve been sporting (these beauties) – these were the uniforms of the Milwaukee Bears (1923) and the Pittsburgh Crawfords (1931-1938). That’s right, this was a Fourth of July weekend Negro League throwbacks celebration. Now, I’m all for a good cause and I can understand the merits behind wearing these jerseys during a symbolic weekend such as this one, but it was just an overload for me. We already have the ridiculous use of camouflage, standardized caps for every team, and fireworks celebrations around the country that present little history and as much visual stimulation as possible. To me, this cheapens the historical importance of these teams the Brewers and Pirates are honoring. Don’t get me wrong, though – these were some sweet unis.

This seems like poor timing. The perfect solution would have been to bust these puppies out in the weeks around and after the Negro Leagues Player Draft back in June, when most would be aware of the historical relevance. The message is just lost during the hodgepodge of festivities surrounding Fourth of July weekend. Instead, it looks like the players are taking advantage of every excuse to rock the Ronnie Belliard pajama pants look:

Yet, there is a silver lining to this story. For what it’s worth – and I’m sure Ray would agree – Mike Cameron is missed for more than just his glove and bat. He’s still proven to be a master at rocking the throwback uni.